Flash…Rumble, Roll, Kaboom!

Flash…Rumble, Roll, Kaboom!.

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Flash…Rumble, Roll, Kaboom!

He made love to me

during a summer swell

to this day I am unsure

where the sound of the water

beating on the roof

and the sound of our hearts

beating wildly in tandem

became one …

but they did.

the rushing sound came in waves

with claps of thunder

seemingly heard

as the flash of lightning

was seen.

souls feeling rapture

violently…

urgently…

as the sky exploded

our bodies were igniting, responding

whirling wind and chimes

swirling and ringing.

Flash…Rumble, Roll, Kaboom!

whooshing rain pelting

mixed with sounds

of rushing blood creating

chaos in our ears

another rolling round

thunder mimics

our pounding hearts

we madly made…

and fell in love.

 

 

 

emergency pause

I put an emergency pause on in life to see what the winds of change will bring in the face of my sudden life change. It hasn’t been working very well. I am not healing in any visible sense. The feelings I am having are so different. They feel foreign and I am having to learn how to deal with them.

 

I miss hugging. Until I stopped giving them I didn’t realize the gift they were giving to me in return. The hugs I was giving compensated for the hugs I wish to receive. Now in my everyday life I can feel the need of my body to step into a long comforting hug. I can feel the anticipation of being held and safe. From the depth of my center right to the nerves on my cheek laying on a strong chest. I can feel the hug coming but I cannot imagine its completion. As if I am stepping up to the warmth of it and the arms do not wrap around me…I am just left longing.

 

I guess the point here is simply this. I have been down, I have been beaten up pretty well from a couple of directions…but I feel. Even if these are feelings I have to sort out, I can feel.

Screams No Longer Trapped

“The screams of a thousand terrors come forth. Toxins of depression release and disperse when the screams are no longer trapped within the mind. Their escape surprisingly loud as they meet with the throes of despair. Soul laying bruised yet breathing once again. Frightened of loving in the face of failure but loving none the less for that is where the life of a true beating heart begins, loving another in spite of the pain. In defiance of fear. Foraging forward with the echoes of distant screams fading in the face of love’s light. The key is in knowing that the pain you have felt was likely inflicted from innocence of unknowing and not from a place of uncaring.”

 

 

The back of the swinging door…

The rules of your honor matter little

when a heart is tattered

and lay torn upon the floor.

Surely this life would be less painful

if your rules were written

somewhere solid and not…

on the back of the swinging door.

Learning them one at a time

as the door hits your soul

when it closes on the heart…

so unfair in brutal finality.

The silence of closure

on yet another day

as a broken heart beats

with humility

playing without rules

and loving blindly.

Reflection of My Life

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How does one brace for the emotional storm,

when the looming clouds scream for relief

of their own heavy load?

Is it better to know what is coming?

Are we strong enough?

Have we loved enough?

This heart may need extra care,

caution and protection this time around.

It’s cynicism in loneliness

causes more fragility in need.

It matters not how many times

we must say goodbye.

Each time is its own

and will not be forced

or planned…

in its waltz of evolving reality.

Leaving you before our dance had concluded

adds deeply to my despair.

Our time filled with friendship mattered.  

 

 

I have started this blog as a place for my own reflection of life. A place for publishing some of my creative writings because for some reason my mind wraps around my drama better when written metaphorically.

 

The poem above was adapted from an excerpt of my personal journal. The original writing was about sitting hospice with a friend a few years ago.   These words very well captured events in my life recently that caused me to lose connection with more than 20 ALF residents, that I was caring for on a daily basis for over a year, in an instant.

 

Try wrapping your head around the last sentence of the previous paragraph using my deep heartfelt emotions. I lost them all. In a fit of frustration I opened my flood gated mouth and I lost my job. I probably could have groveled and pled my way back, but I chose not to. With my own heart breaking in the process I allowed all of it to unfold. As result of my decision I live daily wondering how they are and who is making sure they are each loved in their own special way.  I have left facilities before but when I did it was with planning and goodbyes not walking out the door in tears at lunchtime. That is really my sore spot here I didn’t get to say goodbye, I didn’t get to take one last look in their eyes and tell each and every one of them that I love them…I just walked away.

 

Right now I am taking a breather in life. My family was the factor that held the most weight in the evaluations of what to do about the job I lost. They held me together in the first 48 hours. I went into a manic depression the likes of which I NEVER wish to see again. They guarded me and protected me. They held me while I cried and they let me work through it without comment on what to do next. When I was finally able to hold conversation with them they told me what they thought. They wanted their mom back. They resented the hours I was giving to my job, the long days, the extra days, the phone calls 24/7. Their biggest resentment was that my obsessive compulsion to make my boss happy was sapping the fun and spontaneous mom they knew. They missed me.

So, with their support I am healing and with their encouragement I am on a quest of discovering who I want to be as I move on. The depression is not gone but I am learning to put it in its own place with small baby steps. The future does indeed look bright. This is not all about morose sadness, it is about finding peace within myself and learning how to enjoy life as I make a difference. It is about accepting that I can give everything I have and it still may not be enough to hold together what is not meant to be permanent.