How does one brace for the emotional storm,
when the looming clouds scream for relief
of their own heavy load?
Is it better to know what is coming?
Are we strong enough?
Have we loved enough?
This heart may need extra care,
caution and protection this time around.
It’s cynicism in loneliness
causes more fragility in need.
It matters not how many times
we must say goodbye.
Each time is its own
and will not be forced
in its waltz of evolving reality.
Leaving you before our dance had concluded
adds deeply to my despair.
Our time filled with friendship mattered.
I have started this blog as a place for my own reflection of life. A place for publishing some of my creative writings because for some reason my mind wraps around my drama better when written metaphorically.
The poem above was adapted from an excerpt of my personal journal. The original writing was about sitting hospice with a friend a few years ago. These words very well captured events in my life recently that caused me to lose connection with more than 20 ALF residents, that I was caring for on a daily basis for over a year, in an instant.
Try wrapping your head around the last sentence of the previous paragraph using my deep heartfelt emotions. I lost them all. In a fit of frustration I opened my flood gated mouth and I lost my job. I probably could have groveled and pled my way back, but I chose not to. With my own heart breaking in the process I allowed all of it to unfold. As result of my decision I live daily wondering how they are and who is making sure they are each loved in their own special way. I have left facilities before but when I did it was with planning and goodbyes not walking out the door in tears at lunchtime. That is really my sore spot here I didn’t get to say goodbye, I didn’t get to take one last look in their eyes and tell each and every one of them that I love them…I just walked away.
Right now I am taking a breather in life. My family was the factor that held the most weight in the evaluations of what to do about the job I lost. They held me together in the first 48 hours. I went into a manic depression the likes of which I NEVER wish to see again. They guarded me and protected me. They held me while I cried and they let me work through it without comment on what to do next. When I was finally able to hold conversation with them they told me what they thought. They wanted their mom back. They resented the hours I was giving to my job, the long days, the extra days, the phone calls 24/7. Their biggest resentment was that my obsessive compulsion to make my boss happy was sapping the fun and spontaneous mom they knew. They missed me.
So, with their support I am healing and with their encouragement I am on a quest of discovering who I want to be as I move on. The depression is not gone but I am learning to put it in its own place with small baby steps. The future does indeed look bright. This is not all about morose sadness, it is about finding peace within myself and learning how to enjoy life as I make a difference. It is about accepting that I can give everything I have and it still may not be enough to hold together what is not meant to be permanent.